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My Roommate the Spy (a short story from How You're Not Funny by Kennedy Weible) Overviews

Mike works a dead-end job with Hector, a terrorist of the fast food industry; he pines for Kate, arm candy for the muscle-strapped Chad; and comes home day in and day out to an apartment ravaged by the activities of his roommate, a spy. He'd be fine with all this if only his roommate's girlfriend, Lucinda, would stop kidnapping him, and Candace, the girl who works across the street at the ear piercing place, would knock off all the sexual innuendo when she orders a burrito.